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20121031
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 11:00pm PDT
obama and mitt romney. to topic, foreign policy. bad news for president obama because -- >> in the history of presidents of the united states, he's our worst at foreign policy. >> this is a very weak ill-conceived foreign policy. every place you look is failure. >> the jimmy carter years look like the good old days compared to where we are right now. >> the president has communicated weakness. >> jon: weakness in foreign policy! obama is weaker than coolidge in foreign policy! weaker than polk! weaker than president flinchington j. craphispants. (laughter) as you know, the only president in united states history who ever had his wallet stolen by a baby. (laughter) you don't hear as much about old president craphispants. (laughter) but given obama's foreign policy record, this debate is going to be a bloodbath. >> i congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported his action ther
Comedy Central
Oct 18, 2012 1:00am PDT
bankruptcy is not precisely what romney recommended. romney precisely recommended private credit, which at the time was to be precise non-existent. meaning under his plan detroit's bankruptcy would have been unmanaged and quite permanent. so the big question would be: which version of barack obama would respond. the first debate, sleepy time ma gill cutty or pretty talk jones. >> candy, what governor romney said just isn't true. >> jon: it's alive! it's alive! [cheering and applause] whoa, whoa. yes, president barack obama decided to attend this debate. [laughter] and the two candidates could finally have a truthful, substantive discussion about how much they [bleeped] hate each other. [laughter] >> governor, we have actually produced more oil. >> no, no, how much did you cut licenses and permits on federal land and federal... >> production is up. >> it's down. >> no it isn't. >> production on government land and oil is down 14%. >> governor, what you're saying just not true. >> you'll get your chance in a moment. i'm still speaking. the answer is -- >> if you're asking a question. >> that
Comedy Central
Oct 26, 2012 1:00am PDT
, barack obama is saying to the electorate, hit me baby, one more time. (laughter) whereas mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent shows? i have got to get myself a zune. (laughter) what are we talking about? oh, yeah, mitt romney's closing arguments. >> the government of the united states is not a good venture capitalists, he likes to pick winners and losers, about $90 billion in green energy companies like solyndra and tess la a friend of mine says he doesn't mind picking winners and losers, he likes picking losers. >> half of them, the ones invested in have gone out of business. >> jon: holy crap! is that true, half? 63 energy companies got significant federal stimulus money and three and a half years later five have gone bankrupt. so that is half, 50%, that's amazing. that's-- what? oh, that's not the same number, hold on-- oh, it's actually 8%, man. i really have to get a zune. (laughter) and then sell it
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 10:00am PDT
and they are going all out preparing. >> president obama and governor mitt romney are preparing for wednesday's debate on in denver. >> msnbc obama's leaving on sunday for two or three days of debate camp. >> oh, debate camp! >> oh i remember going to debate camp, i remember like no sports, a bitter rival, camp normal malfun. >> let's see if i remember the debate camp stopping if i can. ♪ >> on the shores of lake rhetoric, we practiced logical consistency. will beat your ad hominem attacks on false tautologies. and logical falsie. >> not in the face! not in the face! getting your ass kick is actually written into the song! >> so two highly accomplished men to see which one becomes the most powerful man in the free world. >> romney has to be chomping at the bits. >> beth myers tells campaign surrogates there are several reasons she believes the president will be likely to win the first debate. >> he has done these kind of debates before, this is mitt's first time on this kind of a stage. >> oh! >> maybe he is more on home at the vegas stage. >> r rated hypnotists or two gay germans
Comedy Central
Oct 9, 2012 11:00pm PDT
been mounted and moan by mitt romney. (laughter) (laughter) no? (cheers and applause) i stand by that phrase. (laughter) and it is now mitt romney who cannot be mounted or blown. i -- you know, there's a better -- will there's a better way of saying this, i'm sure. so perhaps now is the time to actually pay attention to what our future overlord has been saying. (laughter) his dreams, his assessment of the state of the country now that he is 100% assured of winning this election as obama was just last weekend. (laughter) >> this is unacceptable. it is not working. trillion-dollar deficits for the last four years. there's over $16 trillion in debt. harder and harder for small businesses to grow and thrive. the amount of debt we're adding at a trillion a year is simply not moral. >> jon: not moral! (laughter) that means for mitt romney this terrible debt is worse than of fept. (laughter) >> jon? >> yes, mormon god. >> not cool, bro. (laughter) >> jon: shouldn't you be on broadway? (cheers and applause) >> no, no! >> jon: little joke there. but all right we have been irresponsible wi
Comedy Central
Oct 10, 2012 11:00pm PDT
. that you just shout, yeah, ( bleep ) liar!" people are just suggesting you stand up to mr. romney "with all due respect, you're a ( bleep ) liar!" you put that first part on it. of course, during the debate governor romney left himself open to counter-attack as well. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i'm going to stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird glo it's great muppet caper. naming as his only specific budget cut, the relative pittance that is pbs and children's television worked shop. >> thank goodness somebody is finally getting tough on big bird. >> jon: jaby-jab! excellent next-day comeback. ( laughter ) ( applause ) well done. ( applause ) yes. it's that 3:00 a.m. "oh, that's what i should have said! oh, m! the sassy counter-punch along with the recent decent jobs reports and debt to g.d.p. having hit a low,. >> mitt romney may have won the debate on wednesday night. but president obama won the postdebate. >> jon: see! the postdebate. at that rate, okay, fine, obama may lose the election, but he'll win the postelection. ( laughter ). novemb
Comedy Central
Oct 22, 2012 10:00am PDT
stakes in the election are really big. governor romney makes a good presentation but the fundaments of what he's calling for are the same policies that got us into the mess we've been fighting against for the last four years trying to dig our way out of. an economy was good for the folks at the top but wasn't working for ordinary americans and after 31 months of consecutive job growth we've seen 5.2 million jobs created, manufacturing's coming back, auto industry's recovering. housing is rising. i don't want to go back to the same policies and i want to make sure we're building on the progress we've made to create jobs in america for folks and to make sure middle class families have security. >> jon: would you say -- do you feel you have a stronger affirmative case for a second barack obama presidency or a stronger negative case for a mitt romney presidency? in you're mind -- what is the stronger case to be made or do you prefer an malange. did you feel do you feel you've made the strong enough affirmative case or negative. >> i have a strong case on both ends. look, four years ago i s
Comedy Central
Oct 4, 2012 1:00am PDT
father's favorite philosopher, rand mcnallly. a short time ago president obama and governor romney wrapped up their first debate. who knows if they even had the debate with yesterday's bombshell. full day, drudge-con one, blue siren alert, obama race video. hannity had the exclusive. >> tonight you will hear from barack obama like you have never heard from him before. a video has been uncovered from a campaign event in 2007 of then-candidate obama. it contains some of the most divisive class warfare and rarlly charged rhetoric ever use by barack obama. >> jon: casually tossing out words like honky, white trash, o-fay, spf-45 wearing mother... the video had been widely covered when the event occurred in 2007, but that doesn't matter. i'll let hannity's guest explain. >> people say, this has already been reported. well, it hasn't been, and i know because i reported on it the first time. [laughter] [applause] >> jon: so let's see some of the highlights of this, explosive video. >> cracker ass, cracker ass cracker. i wish that cracker would have said some [bleeped] to me. saltine ass m
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 11:00pm PDT
? >> voter i.d. which is going to allow governor romney to win the state of pennsylvania. done. >> jon: but hey -- (laughter). -- this is just between us chickens, right? huh? i mean, when the mics and the cameras go on pick a lock, you know what i'm talking about? pick a lock. what's that red -- okay, so it's on. as it turns out, the voter i.d. laws ostensibly set up to stop nonexistent inn-person voter fraud have the residual effect of disenfranchising and suppressing actual eligible voters. disproportionately of the minority, poor, and elderly variety or, as they are sometimes known, democrats. (laughter) of course, that law has been challenged in the courts and we are expecting a ruling -- (laughter). all right, just roll the ruling. >> we have breaking news right now. a judge has issued a decision in pennsylvania's controversial voter i.d. law. >> jon: all those without voter i.d. must gay marry whilst on medical marijuana during the first trimester! there, i (bleep)ing settled everything! (cheers and applause) it's all done! (cheers and applause) all right. what did the actual judge r
Comedy Central
Oct 9, 2012 7:30pm PDT
deficit and debt problem in this country that mitt romney has vowed to fix. while he's not specific about the measures, that all changed at last week's presidential debate >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i'm going to stop other things. i like pbs. i love big bird. i actually like you too but i'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from china to pay for it >> jon: pack your tote bags and ride the high cultured train back to cancel town. you can take your invisible elephant friend with you, you eight-foot tall yellow feathered freak. who fires big bird? look, after the initial elation of getting a specific... settle down. after getting a specific from one of mr. romney's plans which felt very good came the realization that this move to cut sesame street might not do that much to address the $16 trillion debt. well, you couldn't be more wrong. >> the numbers are truly troubling >> it turns that our out of control spending includes roughly $450 million given every year to the corporation for public broadcasting, $8 million of that going
Comedy Central
Oct 16, 2012 11:00pm PDT
taking place until three hours after we tape the show. i can't believe mitt romney cut off obama's hand and then told him he was his father. [ laughter ] first, election day three weeks away. or to put that another way, i cannot believe this thing is still three weeks away. we examine the nation's emotional state in the nation's new segment "please for the love of god, make it stop." controversy once again tonight. vice presidential candidate paul ryan at a campaign stop in georgia -- kidding he was in ohio. is there another state other than (bleep) ohio? not in october there isn't. [ laughter ] ryan seen here in photos he for some reason signed a release for -- [ laughter ] -- or perhaps these are outtakes from his real world audition tape. anyhoo he was campaigning when he decided to volunteer at a homeless shelter. one little problem. >> according to the charity's president the candidate was washing pans that were already cleaned. and only after the patrons had left the place. [ laughter ] >> jon: do you know how hard it is to make volunteering at a homeless shelter look like a
Comedy Central
Oct 29, 2012 10:00am PDT
what happened, like mitt romney unhinged his jaw and swallowed obama whole and then spend an hour and a half just like this, digesting him. but i don't know what happened. but i'm excited. here it is, your moment of zen. >> let's talk about... >> he made a fool of himself. he made a fool of himself in the last debate. >> the issue here... >> we are reaching that point tonight that i didn't want to reach. >> nobody captioning sponsored y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, questions about the libya crisis. could it have been prevented with bayonets and horses? [ laughter ] plus, a gop senate candidate puts his foot in his mouth. i hope it wasn't in an airport bathroom. and i hope it was a foot. [ laughter ] and my guest anthony everitt is an expert on ancient roman culture. or so he claims-- anyone who could contradict him is dead! [ laughter ] only seven days until halloween! but i tell my kids it's ten. i get some great deals on costumes. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report! ["the colbert report" theme music playing]
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 1:00am PDT
what happened, like mitt romney unhinged his jaw and swallowed obama whole and then spend an hour and a half just like this, digesting him. but i don't know what happened. but i'm excited. here it is, your moment of zen. >> let's talk about... >> he made a fool of himself. he made a fool of himself in the last debate. >> the issue here... >> we are reaching that point tonight that i didn't want to reach. >> nobody
Comedy Central
Oct 16, 2012 1:00am PDT
ghost of barack obama debated mitt romney. >> what was he doing tonight? he went in there disarm. he was like an hour-and-a-half i think i can get through this thing. where was obama tonight sniem reb they admitted to the... all agreed to believe their eyes and ears. so vice presidential debate. fox? your move >> laughing off the problems the way joe biden did, people were offended by that. >> laughing in a hostile, aggressionive, scornful way >> raddatz was playing with the biden team >> the moderator's action or inaction... >> him smirking and smiling rude, condescending, mean at times. wondered, you know, if he had some burbon before he went out there >> reminded me of a musk ox running across the tundra with the moderator under foot. sniem a musk ox across the tundra? settle down, eskimo annie oakley. enough with the mutual of omaha. look, we get it. you live in alaska. when you live in alaska in a town with roads and a wal-mart and two star bucks and your own plane and television station in your house, it's not [bleep] of the wild over there. my guess is you've never seen a musk
Comedy Central
Oct 5, 2012 7:30pm PDT
tired to me. >> romney won hands down. >> he was very, very bad last night. >> jon: there is no red america there is no blue america there is only the america that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate. how bad was the defeat o bama lost despite mitt romney doing this. >> i'm sorry, i will stop the sub sid to pgs. i like big board, i like few, but i'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from china to pay for it. >> jon: mother [bleep] fired big board. america's favorite nonfried bird. he fired big board and won. beloved children's character. romney could have water boarded aladdin, put down blue, deported dora the explorer. and still won walking away. romney won with the sound up. >> your title of the president of your own airplane, house and facts. >> jon: romney won with the sound off. dude, he's yelling at you. look up. look up! what are you looking at? what are you writing that's so important? what are you doing-- oh, that's not-- oh, i didn't realize that is impressive work. i didn't realize that. (applause) maybe you could give that to mitt
Comedy Central
Oct 17, 2012 10:00am PDT
stage events events. he accused the romney campaign of quote "ramrodding its way into the building." >> jon: you broke into a homeless shelter to take a picture of you maybe or maybe not washing already clean dishes? are you going to try to manipulate people's emotions through prefabricated scenarios put some oomph into it. that's the social contract between you and the voters. if you don't give a (bleep) about you the homeless give a (bleep) that you gave a (bleep). don't phone in cynicism. it's like joe biden putting a hard hat and goggles and posing in front of a cheesecake factory. he's like, (bleep) it it says factory on the outside. i want this to be over. with all the focus on the campaign we miss interesting stories. >> the united states anti-doping agency has released what it calls overwhelming evidence that seven time tour de france winner lance armstrong doped throughout his professional cycling career. 1,000 pages of evidence and sworn statements by 26 people including 11 of his former teammates. the usada called it the most sew fist dated and proacialized doping -- pro
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 10:00am PDT
happened, like mitt romney unhinged his jaw and swallowed obama whole and then spend an hour and a half just like this, digesting him. but i don't know what happened. but i'm excited. here it is, your moment of zen. >> let's talk about... >> he made a fool of himself. he made a fool of himself in the last debate. >> the issue here... >> we are reaching that point tonight that i didn't want to reach. >> nobody captioning sponsored y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] ( cheers and applause ) chanting stephen's name] >> stephen: welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much.
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)